Rhinehaus

4/5 stars

Dear Rhinehaus, 

You skinny, skinny bitch. 
I can't finger why I love you, but let me feel around in the dark:

1) Maybe it's your short list of shots that don't bury me into a Fireball bunker? 
Instead I get to ride across the border on your Mexican Rhino, and sneak into Pink Rhino, your sorority dollhouse.  
2) Maybe it's your 80 watt halogens, that make everyone's foreheads shine and lips chap?  
With lighting that bright, you can turn an 8 into a 6.
3) Maybe it's your small TVs, too small for a true sports bar, but small enough that the guys still notice the nearby girls? (and don't think I'm dissing your size, it's your thin width that brings us closer ;)
....let me pause on these compliments so you keep your Rhinehoe horn in your Rhinehoe pants...
....we now return to regularly scheduled programming....
4) Maybe it's Wonder Brown the bartender, part Rodeo Clown, part Coors Sommelier?
5) Maybe it's the most competitive Touchtunes in Greater Ohio, more competitive than flavor-picking at Graeter's in Ohio? 
And maybe it's the contract among patrons that only rap shall be played, and that the crowd will always rally around nostalgia....

....last Sunday, at a quarter past drunk, Kanye West's "Runaway" played, which is easily my 34th favorite Kanye song.
But when I leaned up in my stool, and gazed down on the craigslist choir, for a moment it was my #1.  

Rhinehaus, you made me feel like a King. 

Until I walked back out on 12th Street, and remembered that I'm just your side chick. 
To soccer, that stupid sport.

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The Rhined

5/5 stars

I finally ushered myself in here after passing by that charming "Curd to your Mudder" sign too many times.  The Rhined unwinds its charm in bits and pieces, so you have time to slowly sip your wine.  Let's break down the pieces, cheese by cheese:

1) When you think cheese and wine, you usually think classical music/pinky rings/royal noses.  Throw all those body parts in the hamper, and roll out Ludacris' "Rollout." That's right, this is a cheese/wine shop with a hip-hop step. 
2) Become friends with the $6 Havarti Cheese Sandwich.  Start a texting group with the flavor and price, and then let them do all the talking in your mouth. 
3)  Holler @ the self-swipe credit card menu, for not soliciting a gratuitous tip.  Most coffee shops etc now suggest extra for 3-4 seconds of service, but ironically this was the first time that I actually felt like giving extra. 
4) The Rhined has events happening every week, and it looks like many sell out (check FB).

Also, don't think of this as a place you swiftly shop for artisanal dairy and then make like a baby and head out.....this is where you can enjoy some delicious cheeses, charcuterie, and booze, but in a casual/cool setting.  Just don't fog it up in here with your cocky pinkies. 

Finally, in honor of their "Curd to your Mudder" sign, here are some chalkable ideas for future cheese-themed boards:

Cheesus Christ! The Musical
Milk does the body Goat
Do the Muenster Mash
The Infetable Hulk: Hulk Hungry
#BrieWeezy
Don't Provolone, It's better with Friends
The Feta and the Curious: Vin Diesel's Bisexual Affair with Dairy

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Court Street Lobster Bar

5/5 stars

Next time your friends try to tout about Ikea's seafood section, take their ass to Court........Street Lobster Bar.  (And also get new friends. Who buys seafood from Ikea)

Focused on the Sebastians of the Little Mermaid lineup, CSLB dresses up its star in many different salads, soups, and sides. And many are worth trying on in your mouth. 

FOOD FACTS
1) We chose the Connecticut roll instead of Maine, because Butter beats Mayo in every Vegas title fight.....plus Maine is cold as a butt.
We chose correctly.
And the Sixteen Bricks bread should come with Sixteen Candles, as it's a celebration in your mouth. Though there are tastier things on the menu, like....
....2) The Lobster Mac&Cheese, even though it was short on lobster, and possibly cheese. It was certainly not short on Macaronis, or flavor.  Top 3 Mac&Cheese in this city. 
But the lobster that was in there was tastier than the lobster in the roll....as if one was sourced from the Pacific, and the other from a jacuzzi.
3) The Lobster Poutine may have been even better, I think my favorite dish.
I usually don't pig out on Poutine...........you see "Poutine," I see "Poo Teen"....as in "Underage Feces."  And that's what Poutine usually tastes like to me. 
But this Poutine was just the right age, in both taste and also age.
4) The Chowder didn't medal in this Taste Olympics, but maybe next time try to meddle with its taste thru the table-placed Sriracha.
Speaking of, I feel like the Era of table-placed Sriracha has passed. But we'll leave that for the hipster gods to instagram about.

NON-FOOD FACTS
1) The other table error was plastic silverware.  It is counter-service, which sets a relaxed tone. And granted, seafood is the softest of meats......but this is lobster we're dealing with, and that bitch has claws. 
Plus, the Lobster Rolls' royce price is listed as "MP" (Market Price). 
You have to earn the right to price something as Market Price, and plastic silverware doesn't get you there.  That's like wearing a wife beater to a wedding, but complaining about valet.  
I'd rather they just list a permanent price, even if it's high. That way, dates don't become a showcase of how much money I can put on my credit card.
2) You have to go to a different person to order booze......in the Age of Convenience, this inconveniences my patience and habits.
3) With that said, the staff is stacked with attentiveness.  It could've been because they weren't busy (on a Wed night). But I still love attention, just as much as the next Youtube toddler.
4) Started with good music, but at some point, someone's butt must've bumped the wrong Pandora station. Because it went from Beatles to Creed, and Creed will cost you a yelp star.

Brave are the first-time restaurateurs who open up outside of OTR. But they nailed both the feel and taste of the place right in the bull's belly-button.....with food that fellates your face.

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Maplewood Kitchen and Bar

4/5 stars

Imagine every nutritional buzzword being canopied in a Pier 1 Imports and drizzled in Jack Johnson.  That's Maplewood in a nutshell - though nuts aren't sustainable, so let's say seashell. 
Here's more than what you were looking for, so you don't have to look up from your phone:

1) The signage emboldens language like "local," "grass-fed" and "cage-free" to make the menu feel like an Amish hay ride.  And while it is counter-service, you still order from a laminated hand menu instead of pointing at a chalk board, for the same reason the beer taps aren't labeled - so you stay classy, San Diego. 
2) Staying in the same class are the decorations, which feel like the decor equivalent of "Beach Formal." 
3) On a Thurs @ 1030am, it was about 30% filled. But apparently by lunch time, people are squeezed in and hard-pressed to get some cold press. 
(pulling over for some pour-over?)
(when I-drip-you-drip-we-drip)
#VH1sCoffeeClassics

FOOD/DRINK/FEED/ME
1) The Chicken Tinga is the tastiest thing I've tried, but apparently your mouth will also clap for the Breakfast Sandwich. I believe that, since the Breakfast sandwich is also delicious at Kreuger's (Maplewood's sister restaurant), and if they're not sharing notes, then why even have friends. 
2) Avocado Benedict is a balancing act to keep your eggs from humpty-dumptying off the toast. And like Humpty Dumpty, this whole dish had a great fall to the bottom of my tummy before fullness could notice.
3) I was surprised that Goetta made its way into several dishes at a place like this.....it's a sweaty festival meat.  Just because it's local, doesn't mean it's not sweaty.
4) Also apprehensive about the plastic Heinz bottles everywhere -- you would think that a place with 3 kinds of water could cold-press some tomatoes into housemade ketchup. Compared to everything else's cleanliness, the Heinz just looked like gardening sneakers on an American Apparel mannequin. 
5) The Blackberry Lemonade glass had some useful indents in it to hedge against The Clumsy. But that glass could be swallowed whole by the Bloody Mary viking jug, which could fill up your pick-up truck.
6) Too bad that my favorite meat, side sausage, was dry, because my mouth was wet with intent. 
7) And after becoming a coffee expert (via Wikipedia and Ask Jeeves), believe you me that this is some of the best coffee in town (along with Collective Espresso and Whole Foods -- that's not a joke). 

If you can't get there the during the day, Maplewill now be open for din din til 10.  So put on your boat shoes and promenade on over, where every day feels like a Malibu Easter Sunday.

Three kinds of clean water as a middle finger to Flint, Michigan

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Pleasantry

3/5 stars

Located next to Taft's Beer Church, this place is Pleasant to the taste and Pleasant to the eye, but not Pleasant to your hunger.  
Let's just say the dinner portions are more suited for fancy refugees....quantities look especially small as it's all plated in the same Hamster-sized wash basins (see photo). 
And besides:

1) The $11 Salmon Tartare is summered-up with bits of mango (which is the easiest way to an Indian's heart - if you really want us at your event, just put mango on the evite).  But the Salmon Tartare in total takes up 10% of the plate -- for a place named as welcoming as "Pleasantry," this quantity robbery is more suited for a place named "Snobbery." Or "Trufflery." or "Racist Country Club." 
2) Many ingredients are locally sourced, but the Cauliflower is sourced from Big & Tall. This was definitely the largest and most unique dish, and will provide sexual pleasure in vegan stomachs. 
Like the Salmon, it was also summered-up, this time with grapefruit. But cauliflower & grapefruit ain't exactly Jay & Bey - grapefruit is to senior citizens what play-doh is to daycare. But it'd be rude to ask for its removal, and there's already a line outside Chef Therapy. 
3) Culinary highlights were definitely the dessert (Panna Cotta) and the tea.  Panna Cotta again hid in a tiny corner of the bowl plate, but I was more forgiving because it was more tasty. 
Tea is all Rishi full leaf tea bags - British royalty use these for recovery after sloppy nights and Queen fights.
3) High-fives for real napkins and full water carafes on the table.  But cranky nose-scrunch for the wobbly tables (already?) and chair sizes fit for the lollipop guild....maybe their food would look bigger if it were served on their chairs.
.....They do have a cool outdoor space that's good for dates with strangers, but neither is comfortable....
4) At least the music is comfortable - I heard both "Young Folks" and "Wildfire" - you know, songs for hipsters with short shorts, brimmed hats, and......money. 
5) And speaking of reservations, they do take reservations for 4-6 people, catering to the Music Hall double date.

Overall, this place is solid for a drinks and bites social hour; it's good for work if you sit inside or bring your own pillow.
It's basically 1215 Wine Bar with a stove and space - it'll do well with the Uppity, but not with the Hungry.

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