Tortas Frontera

5/5 stars

This is the best airport restaurant in the country, anyone who tells you otherwise is officially unfriendable.  As a traveling salesman who's got hoes* in different area codes (and by "hoes" I mean my white male customers), I've had the inglorious opportunity to fly through airports near, far, and near your farly-related cousins.  So with airports like SUX and BUT (both real) under my belt and above my knees, just trust me on this one.  
But since you're looking at me like that, fine I'll tell you more:

There are three locations at ORD (Orthodontist Int'l): 
Terminal 1/ Gate B1
Terminal 3, Gate K4
Terminal 5, Gate M12
On the occasions that my plane has been at a gate not near any of these, the commute has made me miss my flights, and I regret nothing.  Here's what I ate instead, and are well worth the change fees: 

1) Taqueria Salad w/shrimp -- besides being delicious, the to-go container is a perfectly round plastic globe that you may be tempted to toss your quarter into and watch it go round and round.  (Insider tip: re-check boarding time before participating in said fun)
2) Tortilla Soup -- even flying through Chicago will remind you of its temperature reputation, which is reason enough to warm you up with this mexican broth that'll drape your insides with a cheesy garnish. 
3) Egg & Rajas Breakfast Torta -- this is the only breakfast thing I've had, and thus the best.  Sauce is spicy, enough to set your butt on fire in the toilet closet. 
4) Side salad --- this is even spicier than that sauce, too much so for my liking.  But it is a lot of salad for your dollar, if you're trying to save up to pregame before takeoff. 
...
5) Guac is probably better than I think, I've just been spoilt by Bakersfield in Cincinnati (goo.gl/oR8ap6).  #GuacCity #GuacGuacCity

Also, last time they were playing a Daddy Yankee song and a P Diddy song, tributes to my two favorite bullfighters.

Don't make the mistake of eating elsewhere at O'hare. 
Also, don't stand in front of me, I'm late for my flight.

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Red Feather Kitchen

5/5 stars

Red Feather -- named after a Native American but serves only American Fare.  ("American Fare": an ethnic cuisine native to America)
And A-mer-i-ca! F yea! Because without it we wouldn't have this mostly excellent restaurant.

That was easy.

Fine stop tugging at my untucked shirt: here's specifically the good, the bad, and the butt:

1) The chef must be some kind of shrimp sommelier because they crushed it in the crustacean game.
*For specific exhibits, please reference the Grilled Shrimp and Shrimp & Grits
**But bib up before auditioning my bibliography
2) The gnocchi was also gnoutstanding, though a little cold. It must've been waiting on the porch while the other appetizers were getting ready. But before my mouth could move,  Steven (our skinny-to-the-sky waiter) apologized and exchanged the delay for dessert. #fairtradecoffeeanddessert
3) While the Crispy Skin Salmon was good, I made a self-pact on my pocket etch-a-sketch to never order something again in a (pricey) restaurant which I could do at home. It gave me the same feeling I get every time I go to a Mattress Factory just to rest on their beds....in exchange for that day's market rate of salmon.  
4) For having such impressive food, the decorations were underwhelming; the light fixtures and oak walls will remind you of the most indistinguishable house on a suburban golf course. And at the center of the style crime is an inexplicable centerpiece -- a succulent* plant.  
*'succulent' the noun is the opposite of 'succulent' the adjective, in that it sucks all the juice out of the room.
...Decorations aside, I was so giddy after the grits and shrimp and gnocchi that I went back later the same weekend to try brunch...
....we now return to later that same weekend...
5) Tried the mushroom omelette and spinach quiche.  Good, but not as impressive as some of the dinner dishes, and not necessarily better than what Bronte's down the street has to offer. With that said, this chef can make some mean mushrooms, so if a dish includes some in its description, make some space in your stomach case. 
6) I will say that it was high-level service for the guy to take every dish out of the take-out bag one-by-one to prove order accuracy, something Taco Bell could a learn a lot from. 
(They could also learn what a "scratch kitchen" means -- for Red Feather, it means everything is made from scratch. For TB, it means everything is made after they scratch their butts).

And that wraps up this edition of the Good, the Bad, and the Butt.

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Mita’s Restaurant and Bar

3/5 stars

When your bill arrives at Mita's (only enjoyable to those who can't stand having money), it'll come attached to an anecdotal postcard about the head chef's grandmother.  And while that's a sweet way send you out the door and poor, there are several dishes on this menu that may leave you just plain salty. Por ejemplo:

1) Salmon Crudo -- I probably wouldn't have ordered this if I knew what "crudo" was (Italian for "raw" and Sicily's answer to Sashimi), but I was on a 2nd date with a pretty girl. And everyone knows that you don't expose your trailer-grade sophistication as early as a 2nd date by asking definitional questions.  So I took my chances, and my chances spit up what looked like a regurgitated green smoothie.  
Now after posthumously having done some googling, I did learn that crudo is traditionally just prepared with olive oil/citrus juice/salt.  That would've been a better bet than the Mita's version.
2) Platano Maduro -- this unsolicitedly landed on our table -- not sure if this was for dipping in the Ceviche de Camarones that simultaneously landed on our table, or if it was more like Mita's version of "free bread." In any case, these fried banana slices had an interesting bbq flavor and are likely to be commercialized if Chiquita ever moves their headquarters to Nashville. 
3) Sopa de Patatas y Coliflor -- was more drawn to this hot soup because of the cold weather rather than its content.  That, and the fact that our otherwise excellent waiter (Jake? At least his beard looked like a Jake) gave his full endorsement. 
The soup's viscosity and color were quite honestly no different than microwaved ranch dressing, and the bacon bits on top didn't do any favors in channeling my mouth's memory away from PTSD (Post Traumatic Salad Disorder).  
4) Pisco Sour -- this drink is native to Peru (though Chile may have something to say about that), and I've been lucky enough to try local versions in both countries.  The Mita's one is certainly not as good, but certainly as strong -- it had me humming along on the way home to Nick Lachey's solo work.

...WITH ALL THAT SAID....
The housemade ice cream here may be better than both Graeters' and UDF (and I have UDF's number stored in my iPhone Favorites).  Try their Pawpaw ice cream, derived from a "tropical fruit native to SE Ohio/West Virginia."  There's nothing tropical about either of those places, but this ice cream will create a tropical party in your mouth.

OTHER TIPS
1) I tried to make a 7pm reservation earlier in the day on a Thursday, and the closest option was 8pm.  8pm is a little too formal for a second date, but being the social-planning version of a swivel chair allowed to me to adjust just fine.  In any case, just about every table was taken when we arrived; also, they did say over the phone that "we're a reservation-based restaurant."  Which is code for "sorry we don't serve Bud Light." 
2) It's tough to ever feel satisfied with a cold dish, even when it's meant to be cold. So with that in mind, steer clear of the "Ceviches y Crudos" section.

AMBIENCE
They do play good latin music at a reasonable volume -- not too loud that you have to talk over it, but loud enough that it's consistently noticeable.  
And if you're used to the walk-in closet sized OTR restaurants, this is going to feel like Batman's foyer.  But they could've squeezed in a few more tables, as the collective energy feels lost in the vast space.  

Long story short = I'm gonna need a groupon to come back here.

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Tacos Locos

3/5 stars

This place had been on my to-try list ever since I was singing Mazunte's praises to a friend, who hotly contested "Tacos Locos is way better." 
He was wrong, so we're no longer friends.

Tacos Locos, which roughly translates to "Livin' la Vida Taco," is a food truck. You know, the kind that moves on wheels. Which MEANS it's not always at the address listed here, as I found out the hard way.  I had ordered over the phone and, because I went to the wrong location, I called to see if they could hang around after-hours so I could still pickup, to which they happily obliged. +1 for Ravenslaw

Speaking of slaw, this is where the score moves to red.  I ordered 2 veggie tacos and a veggie quesadilla, both of which were heavy on cucumber.  I've been to Mexico almost as often as I've been to Kentucky, and let me tell you, Mexico's not throwing any parades for cucumbers.  But besides this green seed mishap:

1) The tacos didn't have cheese, and Mexico definitely has parades for cheese.
2) Cilantro was very dry, but as a weekly cilantro procurer, I can empathize with the fact that its shelf-life is shorter than your step-dad's temper.
3) The photo of the menu on yelp is also shorter than the current menu, so when I saw the full vegetarian list, both my heart and stomach were filled with #FoodFOMO.  I will say, the current menu offers more appealing vegetarian options than most places in town.  (But that doesn't make up for them replacing cheese with cucumbers)
4) Also, their "mild" sauce is hot sauce, and "hot sauce" is butt fire.  #buyerbeware

I may be back to try their "deluxe" veggie options, because everyone knows that "deluxe" means the vegetables come gold-plated.

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Song Long

5/5 stars

Located centrally in downtown Nearnothing, Song Long is what we call at Claire's Jewelry a "diamond in the rough." Or "hidden gem." Or even sometimes, "Ruby in the Alley."
Song Long, which roughly translates to "Length of Any Awards show," has definitively the best Pho in Cincinnati.  Just take a look at the facts:

1) Making their Pho broth is a 6-7 hour process, which they self-declare is impossible to do at any of the "higher volume/smaller kitchen viet spots downtown."  They didn't want to name names, but it rhymed with Pho Lang Thang.
2) Speaking of their Pho, experientially it can go head-to-head with Phollacio. 
3) It also comes with fat side plates full of sprouts, basil, and lemon, so you can choose your own adventure. 
4) And though you can park on the street and enter through the front, I highly recommend you park in their cozy lot behind the building and enter through the back. Amongst other scenery, the back entrance gives you direct access to their bathrooms, for those who value pee before seats.
5) This place also pays significantly more attention to ambience than most Asian restaurants you'll visit in this lifetime. They play what can only be described as great (but un-Shazamable) Vietnamese EDM and folk.  Plus the walls are fully covered with cultural art, the highlight being a Clifford-sized family photo from the 1990s that can do nothing but warm you from your heart to your butt. 
6) When the waiter saw us writing on a napkin, he unsolicitedly brought out a stack of full 8.5" x 11" looseleaf for us to write out the constitution. (confusion on which party had a citizenship test the next morning? anyway, it's the gesture that counts)
7) We told that same waiter that we were in the mood for pan fried dumplings to start. He said that's not the menu, but he can make it happen.  Then in he went with a pan fried order, and out he came with pan fried magic. 

So if you're hosting some friends or veterans from Vietnam, take them out for pizza because they don't have that there.  But if they're craving Pho, take them here.

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