Court Street Lobster Bar

5/5 stars

Next time your friends try to tout about Ikea's seafood section, take their ass to Court........Street Lobster Bar.  (And also get new friends. Who buys seafood from Ikea)

Focused on the Sebastians of the Little Mermaid lineup, CSLB dresses up its star in many different salads, soups, and sides. And many are worth trying on in your mouth. 

FOOD FACTS
1) We chose the Connecticut roll instead of Maine, because Butter beats Mayo in every Vegas title fight.....plus Maine is cold as a butt.
We chose correctly.
And the Sixteen Bricks bread should come with Sixteen Candles, as it's a celebration in your mouth. Though there are tastier things on the menu, like....
....2) The Lobster Mac&Cheese, even though it was short on lobster, and possibly cheese. It was certainly not short on Macaronis, or flavor.  Top 3 Mac&Cheese in this city. 
But the lobster that was in there was tastier than the lobster in the roll....as if one was sourced from the Pacific, and the other from a jacuzzi.
3) The Lobster Poutine may have been even better, I think my favorite dish.
I usually don't pig out on Poutine...........you see "Poutine," I see "Poo Teen"....as in "Underage Feces."  And that's what Poutine usually tastes like to me. 
But this Poutine was just the right age, in both taste and also age.
4) The Chowder didn't medal in this Taste Olympics, but maybe next time try to meddle with its taste thru the table-placed Sriracha.
Speaking of, I feel like the Era of table-placed Sriracha has passed. But we'll leave that for the hipster gods to instagram about.

NON-FOOD FACTS
1) The other table error was plastic silverware.  It is counter-service, which sets a relaxed tone. And granted, seafood is the softest of meats......but this is lobster we're dealing with, and that bitch has claws. 
Plus, the Lobster Rolls' royce price is listed as "MP" (Market Price). 
You have to earn the right to price something as Market Price, and plastic silverware doesn't get you there.  That's like wearing a wife beater to a wedding, but complaining about valet.  
I'd rather they just list a permanent price, even if it's high. That way, dates don't become a showcase of how much money I can put on my credit card.
2) You have to go to a different person to order booze......in the Age of Convenience, this inconveniences my patience and habits.
3) With that said, the staff is stacked with attentiveness.  It could've been because they weren't busy (on a Wed night). But I still love attention, just as much as the next Youtube toddler.
4) Started with good music, but at some point, someone's butt must've bumped the wrong Pandora station. Because it went from Beatles to Creed, and Creed will cost you a yelp star.

Brave are the first-time restaurateurs who open up outside of OTR. But they nailed both the feel and taste of the place right in the bull's belly-button.....with food that fellates your face.

Read the Original Post

Maplewood Kitchen and Bar

4/5 stars

Imagine every nutritional buzzword being canopied in a Pier 1 Imports and drizzled in Jack Johnson.  That's Maplewood in a nutshell - though nuts aren't sustainable, so let's say seashell. 
Here's more than what you were looking for, so you don't have to look up from your phone:

1) The signage emboldens language like "local," "grass-fed" and "cage-free" to make the menu feel like an Amish hay ride.  And while it is counter-service, you still order from a laminated hand menu instead of pointing at a chalk board, for the same reason the beer taps aren't labeled - so you stay classy, San Diego. 
2) Staying in the same class are the decorations, which feel like the decor equivalent of "Beach Formal." 
3) On a Thurs @ 1030am, it was about 30% filled. But apparently by lunch time, people are squeezed in and hard-pressed to get some cold press. 
(pulling over for some pour-over?)
(when I-drip-you-drip-we-drip)
#VH1sCoffeeClassics

FOOD/DRINK/FEED/ME
1) The Chicken Tinga is the tastiest thing I've tried, but apparently your mouth will also clap for the Breakfast Sandwich. I believe that, since the Breakfast sandwich is also delicious at Kreuger's (Maplewood's sister restaurant), and if they're not sharing notes, then why even have friends. 
2) Avocado Benedict is a balancing act to keep your eggs from humpty-dumptying off the toast. And like Humpty Dumpty, this whole dish had a great fall to the bottom of my tummy before fullness could notice.
3) I was surprised that Goetta made its way into several dishes at a place like this.....it's a sweaty festival meat.  Just because it's local, doesn't mean it's not sweaty.
4) Also apprehensive about the plastic Heinz bottles everywhere -- you would think that a place with 3 kinds of water could cold-press some tomatoes into housemade ketchup. Compared to everything else's cleanliness, the Heinz just looked like gardening sneakers on an American Apparel mannequin. 
5) The Blackberry Lemonade glass had some useful indents in it to hedge against The Clumsy. But that glass could be swallowed whole by the Bloody Mary viking jug, which could fill up your pick-up truck.
6) Too bad that my favorite meat, side sausage, was dry, because my mouth was wet with intent. 
7) And after becoming a coffee expert (via Wikipedia and Ask Jeeves), believe you me that this is some of the best coffee in town (along with Collective Espresso and Whole Foods -- that's not a joke). 

If you can't get there the during the day, Maplewill now be open for din din til 10.  So put on your boat shoes and promenade on over, where every day feels like a Malibu Easter Sunday.

Three kinds of clean water as a middle finger to Flint, Michigan

Read the Original Post

Pleasantry

3/5 stars

Located next to Taft's Beer Church, this place is Pleasant to the taste and Pleasant to the eye, but not Pleasant to your hunger.  
Let's just say the dinner portions are more suited for fancy refugees....quantities look especially small as it's all plated in the same Hamster-sized wash basins (see photo). 
And besides:

1) The $11 Salmon Tartare is summered-up with bits of mango (which is the easiest way to an Indian's heart - if you really want us at your event, just put mango on the evite).  But the Salmon Tartare in total takes up 10% of the plate -- for a place named as welcoming as "Pleasantry," this quantity robbery is more suited for a place named "Snobbery." Or "Trufflery." or "Racist Country Club." 
2) Many ingredients are locally sourced, but the Cauliflower is sourced from Big & Tall. This was definitely the largest and most unique dish, and will provide sexual pleasure in vegan stomachs. 
Like the Salmon, it was also summered-up, this time with grapefruit. But cauliflower & grapefruit ain't exactly Jay & Bey - grapefruit is to senior citizens what play-doh is to daycare. But it'd be rude to ask for its removal, and there's already a line outside Chef Therapy. 
3) Culinary highlights were definitely the dessert (Panna Cotta) and the tea.  Panna Cotta again hid in a tiny corner of the bowl plate, but I was more forgiving because it was more tasty. 
Tea is all Rishi full leaf tea bags - British royalty use these for recovery after sloppy nights and Queen fights.
3) High-fives for real napkins and full water carafes on the table.  But cranky nose-scrunch for the wobbly tables (already?) and chair sizes fit for the lollipop guild....maybe their food would look bigger if it were served on their chairs.
.....They do have a cool outdoor space that's good for dates with strangers, but neither is comfortable....
4) At least the music is comfortable - I heard both "Young Folks" and "Wildfire" - you know, songs for hipsters with short shorts, brimmed hats, and......money. 
5) And speaking of reservations, they do take reservations for 4-6 people, catering to the Music Hall double date.

Overall, this place is solid for a drinks and bites social hour; it's good for work if you sit inside or bring your own pillow.
It's basically 1215 Wine Bar with a stove and space - it'll do well with the Uppity, but not with the Hungry.

Read the Original Post

Ché

5/5 stars

A lot of people don't know that "Che" is short for Cheese, a milk derivative Mr. Guevara fought hard to defend. It also so happens to be the secret ingredient in these empanada parties that Che! hosts in your mouth. 

This longer-than-most OTR restaurant/bar is appropriately situated in between Vine St (Yuppie Foodie Avenue) and Main St (Hipster Grunge Block). And they've successfully "Bakersfielded" in between -- that is, found a balance between good food and fun bar, though with an intentionally divier feel. So while their Ruby Tuesday lampshades license you to spend less than in a Bakersfield, the Ruby Tuesday lampshades also license you to get drunker than in a Bakersfield.  
This bluer collar ambience was honestly a pleasant surprise; the owner's other restaurant is in Hyde Park Square, where patrons ride in on horse carriages.

Here's what else you need to equip your lips with when selling your friends on giving this a visit: 

1) Che's Butternut Squash soup is honestly one of the tastiest things my tastebuds have tasted since my Momma sailed me away. Glad the raft landed on the shores of this liquid paradise. 
2) Out of the 3 Empanadas I tried, De Espinaca was my favorite. But it was also the first, and heat loss accounted heavily for taste loss. Imagine running across an Indiana Jones bridge with each plank falling away as you skip onwards - that's what eating these is like, so if you have time, order one at a time. 
(FYI - I also tried Queso y Cebolla - was worried that "Cebolla" meant "horse," but luckily it's just "onion.")
Last was the Shrimp Scampi, which sounds and tasted like a discontinued Bagel Bite flavor.
All were fried and oily and lovely, like the kind of stall food you'd find at a Hispanic State Fair. 
3) Music was on some Bob Marley Pandora station -- reggae while eating Argentinian food confused some, but I personally liked it. Just in case, they do have Touchtunes, which is bittersweet for people like me who spend more monthly on Touchtunes than groceries. 
4) Holler@che.com for having daily drink/happy hour specials - Wed was $3 Jameson (Mon=$5 Malbecs, Tues=Industry night, Thurs=$4 drafts, Fri=$3 Fireball, Sat/Sun=$5 bloodys/$4 mimosas)
Also, holler@yourbackyard.com for having a great outdoor patio -- it feels like Kreuger's rooftop, and like Kreuger's, is sanitary-dive-bar busy. 
5) They did bring out a Lentil soup by accident, to which the waitress reacted "it's amateur hour back there" and left it for keeps.
I got takeout the next day to test if the food was for real or all a dream; it's for real, but they messed up the order. Ok fine, and the outside of the box was oiled up, like sponge authorities in a Mariah Carey music video. 
So yes, the staff is a little sloppier than Vine St, but they're also more fun. If you're looking for perfection, then I know you're not fun. So please don't fax me to hang out, like ever.

I'll be back, for sheezy believe me. Maybe even for a slumber party - I think I could be happy here from first snack to last call.

Read the Original Post

Carabello Coffee

4/5 stars

I think this is the most reviewed spot in Greater Cincinnati that's still filling up all 5 stars -- not surprising since it's always filled up. Let me tell you why people love this place, and why it doesn't quite have all my love:

1) LOVE - that their slogan, "Coffee and Compassion in Tandem" is embodied by a full Tandem bicycle on the back wall. +2 for the 2 riders who rode it up there. 
2) LOVE - that they took a chance on the location. It's not the best neighborhood, and I'm not sure if they were first, but the only nearby business I know of is NewCov Crossfit.  I can only imagine those Crossfitters stomping in and thumping their fists on the counter: "ME HUNGRY. ME WANT PALEO COFEE BURGER." 
3) LOVE - that people love this place. Carabello has 6-7 two-person tables, a few larger group tables, and a coffee bar with stools. On a Sat afternoon, about half of the two-person tables and all of the larger group tables were occupied. 
4) DON'T LOVE - that people love this place. The study group tables were a little too rowdy for my liking. So it's a good place to socialize, but not good if you're coming to work on your novel about knitting. 
5) LOVE - that each table has fresh flowers, freshly sourced from not nearby
6) DON'T LOVE - that the accompanying chairs look borrowed from a Frisch's Big Boy. 
7) LOVE - that the chairs don't wobble. Even for a.......big boy. 
8) LOVE - that they have multiple employees, like 3, which is 2 more than most independent coffee shops.
9) LOVE - that one of those employees unsolicitedly offered water to accompany my coffee. 
10) DON'T LOVE - that a small coffee was $2.75, the soon-to-be cost of gas
11) DO LOVE - that it tasted much better than gas. Also, that they have more options than Coffee Emporium or Starbucks. 
12) DON'T LOVE - that they have more options than Coffee Emporium/Starbucks. It makes it harder to choose and they all sound the same. But I chose the brew from Peru, mainly because it's the closest on the map to Colombia. And coffee is 1 of 2 things that Colombia does best ;) 
13) DON'T LOVE - that their storage was publicly visible, which made it feel like your messy grandma's extra bedroom. 
14) DO LOVE - that they're actively fulfilling their slogan -- the owners globally source their coffee themselves (see photo) and are active humanitarians. And you can never get that mad at a humanitarian, unless you've drank too much coffee.

Read the Original Post