E + O Kitchen

4/5 stars

Every time I see this place's name, my mind's lips sing "Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I E-I O!"
And on that farm he had grassfed fish......or at least did E+O Kitchen, a seafood haven for seafood mavens.  FINALLY, a spot that sources seafood from not the Ohio River.

Here's what to expect, in an order as unfriendly as the Rookwood parking lot:

1) Speaker volume says "I like music"; genre selection says "I don't like rap music." 
2) White wood ceiling makes it feel like a Cape Cod country club and the jungle-covered wall is reminiscent of a Rainforest Cafe.  Together they attracted a diverse audience, from white couples to Indian families (guess which liked which). 
3) Even the menu is diverse -- Asian AND Latin fare, 2 regions that are not typically texting buddies.  I was worried that combining them meant it'd be all Sushi Chalupas this and Ramen Gorditas that, but luckily these restaurant revolutionaries kept the house divided
(Japanese yakitori sits on one side of the menu and the Latin ceviche on the other, just like our foodie forefathers intended.) 
4) For $5, their Edamame quantity is Edamanly. But the house still wins, because de-stringing these shells requires you take their sewing class.
5) Considering the softness of their seats and the realness of their napkins, E+O is surprisingly affordable.  But that doesn't mean they can get away with having...
...6) NO HAPPY HOUR. I applaud that E+O priced their food like the OTR walk-in closet spots they're competing with. But E+O has space to seat a symphony, which means they have space to seat a happy hour. 
7) But enough about my favorite price (free), let's talk about food. 

----If you like sushi, order the Dragon's Breath roll.  They basically wrapped the whole Finding Nemo cast into a cast of rice and instantly became my mouth's favorite movie. 
----Now if you like your sushi with football Sundays, hit up that Great White roll. (Listen closely after each potato chip crunch, and you can hear a sumo-shaped chef somewhere crying into origami paper.)  
----And if you're not about that seafood, they have wagyu beef to wagyur tailfeather.
----GET THAT MOCHI, code for Turkish Delight ice cream. It's $2 - you're losing money every minute you're NOT eating it. And don't make the race mistake of ordering Green tea flavor because it's the most Asian-sounding. The real winner here is strawberry. 
(I was surprised too; almost as much as when my Vietnamese manicurist showed me photos from the rodeo).

What I'm trying to say is that "Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I E-I uh ohhhhhhhhhh"
                                                                                          --Nelly

Read the Original Post

Hoja de Té

4/5 stars

I walked by what my ears assumed were a nightclub day-scrub only to turn and see a dimly lit tea room.  High tea and black rap, a combination held under water by every british woman named Victoria or Elizabeth; that is......until now.
If you're thinking, "oh, rap music in a tea room? I can see some Matcha matching well with some Tribe Called Quest."
This isn't Tribe - this is Fetty Wap and 2 Chainz. The only problem is the sound is distributed through a meager pocket speaker usually preferred by gas station attendees.
OTHER CONS
Floor is dirty, but so is the rap
White chairs are dirty, but show me a clean white chair and I'll show you the queen. The kind who would hate this music and also fun.
Tables are wobbly, but that's just the shop playing homage to butts: goo.gl/G7ogc8

AND in case your delicious tea is getting too smooth, they even have hookah (with free replacement coals) to help cough it down.

If you hate happiness, go elsewhere, you'll ruin the vibe here anyway.

Read the Original Post

Urbana Cafe

4/5 stars

Had a chance to check out this pretty place on Opening day (a Saturday, around 4pm). They actually had been secretly open all week, though, which allowed them some time to sweep growing pains under the coffee table.
Here's what to expect: 

1) 2 4-seater tables, surrounded with both chairs and stools (to allow for different back and butt shapes). 
2) Stool-seating at the coffee bar on both floors (yes, there is a small/quieter* balcony).
*3) But that balcony's not so quiet, because something about the ceiling height (or the blind date who was shouting tinder stories at each other's faces, shoutily) made it not so quiet.
4) That's the bad noise. The good noise is the good music they play - namely acoustic latin and ladies whispering over lounge sounds.  Though in between both categories were ads, because Urbana didn't pay the $3.99/month Pandora ad-free fee. 
5) Internet is fast, which comes in handy if you're, like me, are trying to stream Gullah Gullah Island.

Read the Original Post

Tortas Frontera

5/5 stars

This is the best airport restaurant in the country, anyone who tells you otherwise is officially unfriendable.  As a traveling salesman who's got hoes* in different area codes (and by "hoes" I mean my white male customers), I've had the inglorious opportunity to fly through airports near, far, and near your farly-related cousins.  So with airports like SUX and BUT (both real) under my belt and above my knees, just trust me on this one.  
But since you're looking at me like that, fine I'll tell you more:

There are three locations at ORD (Orthodontist Int'l): 
Terminal 1/ Gate B1
Terminal 3, Gate K4
Terminal 5, Gate M12
On the occasions that my plane has been at a gate not near any of these, the commute has made me miss my flights, and I regret nothing.  Here's what I ate instead, and are well worth the change fees: 

1) Taqueria Salad w/shrimp -- besides being delicious, the to-go container is a perfectly round plastic globe that you may be tempted to toss your quarter into and watch it go round and round.  (Insider tip: re-check boarding time before participating in said fun)
2) Tortilla Soup -- even flying through Chicago will remind you of its temperature reputation, which is reason enough to warm you up with this mexican broth that'll drape your insides with a cheesy garnish. 
3) Egg & Rajas Breakfast Torta -- this is the only breakfast thing I've had, and thus the best.  Sauce is spicy, enough to set your butt on fire in the toilet closet. 
4) Side salad --- this is even spicier than that sauce, too much so for my liking.  But it is a lot of salad for your dollar, if you're trying to save up to pregame before takeoff. 
...
5) Guac is probably better than I think, I've just been spoilt by Bakersfield in Cincinnati (goo.gl/oR8ap6).  #GuacCity #GuacGuacCity

Also, last time they were playing a Daddy Yankee song and a P Diddy song, tributes to my two favorite bullfighters.

Don't make the mistake of eating elsewhere at O'hare. 
Also, don't stand in front of me, I'm late for my flight.

Read the Original Post

Red Feather Kitchen

5/5 stars

Red Feather -- named after a Native American but serves only American Fare.  ("American Fare": an ethnic cuisine native to America)
And A-mer-i-ca! F yea! Because without it we wouldn't have this mostly excellent restaurant.

That was easy.

Fine stop tugging at my untucked shirt: here's specifically the good, the bad, and the butt:

1) The chef must be some kind of shrimp sommelier because they crushed it in the crustacean game.
*For specific exhibits, please reference the Grilled Shrimp and Shrimp & Grits
**But bib up before auditioning my bibliography
2) The gnocchi was also gnoutstanding, though a little cold. It must've been waiting on the porch while the other appetizers were getting ready. But before my mouth could move,  Steven (our skinny-to-the-sky waiter) apologized and exchanged the delay for dessert. #fairtradecoffeeanddessert
3) While the Crispy Skin Salmon was good, I made a self-pact on my pocket etch-a-sketch to never order something again in a (pricey) restaurant which I could do at home. It gave me the same feeling I get every time I go to a Mattress Factory just to rest on their beds....in exchange for that day's market rate of salmon.  
4) For having such impressive food, the decorations were underwhelming; the light fixtures and oak walls will remind you of the most indistinguishable house on a suburban golf course. And at the center of the style crime is an inexplicable centerpiece -- a succulent* plant.  
*'succulent' the noun is the opposite of 'succulent' the adjective, in that it sucks all the juice out of the room.
...Decorations aside, I was so giddy after the grits and shrimp and gnocchi that I went back later the same weekend to try brunch...
....we now return to later that same weekend...
5) Tried the mushroom omelette and spinach quiche.  Good, but not as impressive as some of the dinner dishes, and not necessarily better than what Bronte's down the street has to offer. With that said, this chef can make some mean mushrooms, so if a dish includes some in its description, make some space in your stomach case. 
6) I will say that it was high-level service for the guy to take every dish out of the take-out bag one-by-one to prove order accuracy, something Taco Bell could a learn a lot from. 
(They could also learn what a "scratch kitchen" means -- for Red Feather, it means everything is made from scratch. For TB, it means everything is made after they scratch their butts).

And that wraps up this edition of the Good, the Bad, and the Butt.

Read the Original Post