Kaze

4/5 stars

I always thought of Kaze as the most posh place in OTR, but missing the juju that its neighboring spaces oozed out of their shoes. 
That was all before I visited the outdoor patio and learned how to give a great O.J. (Ordering Job).
Here's what you need to know to squeeze the crazy tasty out of Kazy:

1) The Crunchy Scallop is a top-3 sushi roll in Cincinnati, anyone who tells you otherwise should immediately be removed from your iPhone Favorites.
2) I was just in Tokyo a few months ago trying to take off Japanties, and the Ramen Tonkotsu here holds its own. That, AND it's better than your college Ramen. AND it's $4 during happy hour. AND they let you pay in USD. 
3) AND the outdoor tables are conducive to sake bombs. 
"How can a table be CONDUCIVE to sake bombs?"
Good question, son, glad you asked. You see, half the fun in sake-bombing is slamming your side of the table, and having somebody's bomb on the other side drop so as to force them into an old Japanese chugging ritual (that the Japanese don't know about). This table does that AND keeps your thighs from getting sunburnt. AND keeps strangers from eyeing your thighs. AND keeps your eyes from eyeing her feet.
*Tip*
During happy hour (4pm-7pm every day, even on the sabbath), Sake Bombs are $4, while Sapporo drafts are $3 and sake jars are $4. By ordering the latter pair, you can essentially get 3 sake bombs for $7 via DIY. *Caution* too many DIYs may lead to a DUI, which is why you should be nicer to your DD. And your stepmom.
4) The edamame is edamediocre, but more importantly, it inspired a potential baby outfit caption: "I love my Edamame." I tried to draw it on myself, but it came out backwards.
5) The Moscow Mule is more like a Russian Kitten - that is, not so strong, but still tastes like communism
6) If you want the best customer service, get Chris the Waiter. He's the one who looks like a Game of Thrones warrior, but serves like a Fresh Prince of Belair butler. #junglefeverdealer
7) Music is not great, but they did play Notorious B.I.G.'s "Hypnotize" which is the greatest love song since Hot Cross Buns. So they pass.

Finally, I wasn't going to tell you this but I'm bad at keeping secrets - there are 2 parking spots on the side of the building that nobody knows about. Also, it was hot as hell that day so this could've been a mirage, so if I were you I'd play it safe and park in the Kroger parking lot.

Read the Original Post

Elephant Walk Injera & Curry House

3/5 stars

Dear Elephant Walk,

I really did want to love you (and don't worry, there's still chance for a redemption song). 
I loved your name, I loved your sign. I even loved the musk you emitted into the street. 
But here's what I didn't love:

1) Beer cost - we each ordered a large Taj beer (when in Rome), and they were $10 each. We got exposed because there was no drink menu with pricing, so we rolled the dice and the dice set our cash on fire.
2) The Lamb Vindaloo should've been called "Vindaloo with a dash of lamb". I am of the opinion that you can never have enough lamb - in this case, they fell short of my preferred lamb quantity of infinity by......infinity. 
3) There was a similar volume problem in the saag paneer, except in this case the absentee was the paneer. 
Saag paneer, to me, is to an Indian restaurant what a burger is to an American restaurant. That is, the whole menu lives and dies by the saag paneer. In this case, the saag paneer didn't kill the meal, but it certainly left a bad taste in my butt.

As an Indian myself, I have the luxury of having homemade Indian food any time I make it home. So the fun of going to an Indian restaurant is to treat yo'self to "restaurant style" Indian food. That is, greasy oily fatty (delicious) Indian food. Elephant Walk walks more along the line of homemade Indian food - so for those who don't have the luxury of getting homemade Indian food at home, this is a good option. 
Also, this place does have the nicest interior of any Indian restaurant in Cincinnati. In fact, I just assumed that this was the owner's SECOND restaurant, because typically the first effort has a sloppier (read: budget) interior. But they balled out the first time around, so holler@yourinterior.com

OTHER SMALL TIDBITTIES
1) All night long, they played great bollywood songs, which made me want to shake my bollywood bum. In my bollywood booth. With a bollywood broad.
2) That Bhaingan Bhuna is the most bangin dish on the menu, girl hit that
3) Description of dishes would be helpful, so someone doesn't ask for a Rogan Josh only to get a plateful of Josh Groban.

Read the Original Post

Liberty Market

4/5 stars

Today, on Day 1 in 107 degree "my face is on fire" Phoenix, also marked my first experience at Liberty Market. Here are all things worth noting, for those of you taking notes. (For those of you not taking notes, I can just text you):

1) The ordering system is similar to a Corner Bakery, in that, you pay first then take a number, then they bring food to your table. What is nice/different, though, is that you get a hard menu to hold in line, instead of having to look up at a board behind the counter. This allows The Indecisive some intimate time alone to analyze and dissect each and every option without the board making their glances feel like they've overstayed their welcome.
2) It's a better value than Panera, who's been sneaking up their prices and making my wallet whine. Places like Liberty Market are fighting back, so one day our kids will say, "Panwhera?" #forced
3) I ordered the Farmer sandwich and a side of Hummus. It should be in the Constitution that hummus should always be served with soft bread, never hard toasty toast. (Note for next time, folks, especially if you want it changed to "Life, Liberty MARKET, and the Pursuit of Happiness"). 
The Farmer sandwich was not as hot as it could've been, probably because of the waiter's poor pickup timing from the kitchen....
...but how long could I stay mad at the waiter when, 4) he gave me free coffee? Or maybe he just gifted the coffee because I looked like I had to poop and he was just trying to push me over the edge...
5) They REALLY won my heart, though, by playing my favorite Oasis song, "Don't Look Back in Anger." It was as if they were spoonfeeding me through my ears.

Read the Original Post

O’Bryon’s Bar & Grill

5/5 stars

Note: This rating was given in consideration of O'Bryon's compared to others in its category, such as Cock n Bull, RP McMurphys, and Lulu Lemon. 

Here are a few reasons why O'Bryons has won my heart and sabotaged my sundays:

1) Their Sunday drink special is Jaeger, which makes a statement. One of the best parts about not being a student is that sundays are a free-for-all, though it is tough to find people in Cincinaughty who feel the same way. I'm so thankful for the first time I peeked under the O'bryons blanket and found them all hiding here.
2) The food is definitely above average for a bar - I would certainly come here just for a weekday lunch, without trying to aggressively pregame for afternoon meetings. 
3) And if you're a bad orderer, you won't mind as much because of the wonderfully friendly wait staff, who seem to be enjoy their jobs much more than the clientele pregaming here on Sundays afternoons for Monday morning.
4) If you're trying to drink outside, without doing so in your apartment parking-lot, this is one of your best options in town. AND they have a quirky ritual of throwing your sharktank's shark from the O'Bryons rooftop to some stranger's rooftop. One day, that stranger will finally visit their roof and be inspired to build a jenga set out of toy sharks. Jengark?? No, Sharkenga. NO, Topanga! #boymeetssharkworld
5) I've wrote this before, and I'm not afraid to typewrite it again - between clientele, drink prices, and music, music holds the largest part in my congested bar heart. And O'Bryons delivers - last time, upstairs they were rocking Justin Timberlake pandora, and downstairs what sounded like '98's 2nd greatest songs by one-hit wonder artists. (e.g. instead of playing Mystikal's "Shake ya Ass," they played Mystikal's "Danger." #GodBlessAmerica
7) See #1-6
8) Sorry I blacked out

Read the Original Post

Boca

3/5 stars

FULL DISCLOSURE: No bunnies were fluffed in the making of this review

Now for those of you don't speak spanish, Boca means mouth. That tidbit will be of little use to you in ordering, and in life.
What will be of more use to you is to learn from our mistakes, and use the $150 that you would've spent here on your date to go get 150 McChicken sandwiches instead. 
Here's a rundown of (hopefully) useful info from our experience:

1) We checked in at 810pm for our 830pm reservation. At 855pm, we asked about our table, to which they said "we didn't know you were here." You know the saying, "Communication saves relationships"? That's mainly referring to the loving relationship between you and your maitr'd, we should've chirped up sooner. #Bocasbirdcalls
2) As mid-20 yr olds with mismatching socks, we're probably not Boca's target audience. Which is why I was surprised that this place has better music (Beatles etc) and friendlier lighting (75W bulbs) than its allegedly less formal sister, Sotto. 
3) When we asked our waitress the difference between Sotto and Boca, she said "well Sotto is my favorite restaurant..." Boca, please run your staff through 1 hour of sales training. And then through a car wash because, hey, million-hit youtube video.
4) We ordered:
Chatham Bay Cod - it's hard to make this albino fish delicious. 
Seafood Risotto - with Tomato confit. If "Tomato Confit" mean "within the confines of tomato soup," well then fine. 
Lobster & Pea Capellaci - be forewarned that these peas are british mushy peas, the way peas would look if you left them in your pants then left those pants in the laundry then left your laundry on the street. Probably my favorite dish.
Creme Brulee - I swear the Creme Brulee at Joseph Beth's book cafe in Rookwood is better. Breaking through that hardtop shell was harder than a hard-on trying to break through jeans.

SUMMARY/OTHER
1) If you're young and enjoy the OTR restaurants as well as Sotto, but want to try Boca - you don't have to, you're not missing out
2) The cocktails are small and far inferior to Sotto's. If you're not getting wine at Boca, expect the table next to you to tweet about you not getting wine at Boca

Read the Original Post