Mita’s Restaurant and Bar

3/5 stars

When your bill arrives at Mita's (only enjoyable to those who can't stand having money), it'll come attached to an anecdotal postcard about the head chef's grandmother.  And while that's a sweet way send you out the door and poor, there are several dishes on this menu that may leave you just plain salty. Por ejemplo:

1) Salmon Crudo -- I probably wouldn't have ordered this if I knew what "crudo" was (Italian for "raw" and Sicily's answer to Sashimi), but I was on a 2nd date with a pretty girl. And everyone knows that you don't expose your trailer-grade sophistication as early as a 2nd date by asking definitional questions.  So I took my chances, and my chances spit up what looked like a regurgitated green smoothie.  
Now after posthumously having done some googling, I did learn that crudo is traditionally just prepared with olive oil/citrus juice/salt.  That would've been a better bet than the Mita's version.
2) Platano Maduro -- this unsolicitedly landed on our table -- not sure if this was for dipping in the Ceviche de Camarones that simultaneously landed on our table, or if it was more like Mita's version of "free bread." In any case, these fried banana slices had an interesting bbq flavor and are likely to be commercialized if Chiquita ever moves their headquarters to Nashville. 
3) Sopa de Patatas y Coliflor -- was more drawn to this hot soup because of the cold weather rather than its content.  That, and the fact that our otherwise excellent waiter (Jake? At least his beard looked like a Jake) gave his full endorsement. 
The soup's viscosity and color were quite honestly no different than microwaved ranch dressing, and the bacon bits on top didn't do any favors in channeling my mouth's memory away from PTSD (Post Traumatic Salad Disorder).  
4) Pisco Sour -- this drink is native to Peru (though Chile may have something to say about that), and I've been lucky enough to try local versions in both countries.  The Mita's one is certainly not as good, but certainly as strong -- it had me humming along on the way home to Nick Lachey's solo work.

...WITH ALL THAT SAID....
The housemade ice cream here may be better than both Graeters' and UDF (and I have UDF's number stored in my iPhone Favorites).  Try their Pawpaw ice cream, derived from a "tropical fruit native to SE Ohio/West Virginia."  There's nothing tropical about either of those places, but this ice cream will create a tropical party in your mouth.

OTHER TIPS
1) I tried to make a 7pm reservation earlier in the day on a Thursday, and the closest option was 8pm.  8pm is a little too formal for a second date, but being the social-planning version of a swivel chair allowed to me to adjust just fine.  In any case, just about every table was taken when we arrived; also, they did say over the phone that "we're a reservation-based restaurant."  Which is code for "sorry we don't serve Bud Light." 
2) It's tough to ever feel satisfied with a cold dish, even when it's meant to be cold. So with that in mind, steer clear of the "Ceviches y Crudos" section.

AMBIENCE
They do play good latin music at a reasonable volume -- not too loud that you have to talk over it, but loud enough that it's consistently noticeable.  
And if you're used to the walk-in closet sized OTR restaurants, this is going to feel like Batman's foyer.  But they could've squeezed in a few more tables, as the collective energy feels lost in the vast space.  

Long story short = I'm gonna need a groupon to come back here.

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Tacos Locos

3/5 stars

This place had been on my to-try list ever since I was singing Mazunte's praises to a friend, who hotly contested "Tacos Locos is way better." 
He was wrong, so we're no longer friends.

Tacos Locos, which roughly translates to "Livin' la Vida Taco," is a food truck. You know, the kind that moves on wheels. Which MEANS it's not always at the address listed here, as I found out the hard way.  I had ordered over the phone and, because I went to the wrong location, I called to see if they could hang around after-hours so I could still pickup, to which they happily obliged. +1 for Ravenslaw

Speaking of slaw, this is where the score moves to red.  I ordered 2 veggie tacos and a veggie quesadilla, both of which were heavy on cucumber.  I've been to Mexico almost as often as I've been to Kentucky, and let me tell you, Mexico's not throwing any parades for cucumbers.  But besides this green seed mishap:

1) The tacos didn't have cheese, and Mexico definitely has parades for cheese.
2) Cilantro was very dry, but as a weekly cilantro procurer, I can empathize with the fact that its shelf-life is shorter than your step-dad's temper.
3) The photo of the menu on yelp is also shorter than the current menu, so when I saw the full vegetarian list, both my heart and stomach were filled with #FoodFOMO.  I will say, the current menu offers more appealing vegetarian options than most places in town.  (But that doesn't make up for them replacing cheese with cucumbers)
4) Also, their "mild" sauce is hot sauce, and "hot sauce" is butt fire.  #buyerbeware

I may be back to try their "deluxe" veggie options, because everyone knows that "deluxe" means the vegetables come gold-plated.

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Song Long

5/5 stars

Located centrally in downtown Nearnothing, Song Long is what we call at Claire's Jewelry a "diamond in the rough." Or "hidden gem." Or even sometimes, "Ruby in the Alley."
Song Long, which roughly translates to "Length of Any Awards show," has definitively the best Pho in Cincinnati.  Just take a look at the facts:

1) Making their Pho broth is a 6-7 hour process, which they self-declare is impossible to do at any of the "higher volume/smaller kitchen viet spots downtown."  They didn't want to name names, but it rhymed with Pho Lang Thang.
2) Speaking of their Pho, experientially it can go head-to-head with Phollacio. 
3) It also comes with fat side plates full of sprouts, basil, and lemon, so you can choose your own adventure. 
4) And though you can park on the street and enter through the front, I highly recommend you park in their cozy lot behind the building and enter through the back. Amongst other scenery, the back entrance gives you direct access to their bathrooms, for those who value pee before seats.
5) This place also pays significantly more attention to ambience than most Asian restaurants you'll visit in this lifetime. They play what can only be described as great (but un-Shazamable) Vietnamese EDM and folk.  Plus the walls are fully covered with cultural art, the highlight being a Clifford-sized family photo from the 1990s that can do nothing but warm you from your heart to your butt. 
6) When the waiter saw us writing on a napkin, he unsolicitedly brought out a stack of full 8.5" x 11" looseleaf for us to write out the constitution. (confusion on which party had a citizenship test the next morning? anyway, it's the gesture that counts)
7) We told that same waiter that we were in the mood for pan fried dumplings to start. He said that's not the menu, but he can make it happen.  Then in he went with a pan fried order, and out he came with pan fried magic. 

So if you're hosting some friends or veterans from Vietnam, take them out for pizza because they don't have that there.  But if they're craving Pho, take them here.

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Sleepy Bee Cafe - Oakley

4/5 stars

Wake up sleepy bee, don't you wanna read my review? 
Good, now that you've flapped out of your flower, let me slap back some feedback about your flapjacks and more.

AMBIENCE/BACKGROUND
1) The indoor area is fairly spacious (like a bigger square shape than Taste of Belgium but slightly lower ceilings).  They also have a nice outdoor area, though I didn't get to enjoy it on this day because the sun was turning buttcracks into kiddie pools.  
2) Alcohol-free menu coupled with healthy/ambitious looking crowd. So if your ambitions today stand no chance cuz of last nights' inhibition inhibitors, stop standing in line here and go back to bed. 
3) Buyer beware of price premium, since menu is loaded with "antibiotic-free" this and "cage-fed" that. 
4) The owner is a pediatrician who also owns a kids bookstore, which is why I was disappointed to see he made his menu without Green Eggs and Ham.

PROS
1) Got there around 930am on a Thursday, and while there was no wait, it was definitely crowded. Not sure why nobody was at work, unless it's become fashionable for stay-at-home moms to dress up like startup founders and grad students.  
2) Broakley with veggie sausage was quite tasty.  Bonus points to the waiter for trying to connect with us through vegetarianism - "Great choice, bro! My cousin's fiancee is vegetarian AND she likes to have fun!" 
Ya I know, we see her at the meetings.
Also, the sandwich was really thick, and with a sugar sore in my mouth making it hard to unhook my jaw, I only have that UDF ice cream diet to blame. 
3) Those Bee Cake pancakes were definitely the highlight of the hour.  Though loaded with skinny mom diet foods, I was pleasantly surprised about how much flavor was packed into the health stack. Got it with bananas, but next time will add chocolate chips or almonds for that crunch in both my mouth and my pants. 

NEUTRAL/CONS
1) Waiter accidentally brought out the wrong side, but somehow laid the replacement on the table without me even noticing. Only explanation could be that he also works as a birthday magician.
2) If your theme is Bees, and you're not Bunbury, it's only right to keep honey on the tables. Maybe they can borrow some of The Eagle's chicken honey sauce, the same one I use for my bubble baths. 
3) Frances Kroner, who's the head chef here, used to run a pop-up food "experience", which was truly amazing.  At one, she bent a hundred spoons, glued them against the wall, and placed a tasty pastry treat in each one.  At another, it was required that you wear headphones and listen to a particular song while trying each particular dish.  
So with that kind of imagination, I thought they could've been MORE imaginative here rather than just super-loading everything with trendy health foods. 
4) No alcohol for a brunch place is a big bummer in the butt.  I understand that they're health-conscious, but they also have sriracha on every table, which is 1 fire ball away from being Fireball.  
Can you compromise perhaps and offer a gluten-free shark bowl?
Please? With free-range sprinkles on top?

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Bravo! Cucina Italiana

3/5 stars

(*full disclosure* I may or may not have Olive Garden wallpaper in my powder room).

Whew! Now that that's off my chest like breast reduction, let's talk about the competition....Johnny Bravo's Cucina Italiana.
If you're not familiar with this chain, let me jog you through the rundown:

Bravo's has many locations across the country, and is kind of like a nicer Olive Garden, without the free salad/soup/breadsticks but with lesser lighting and higher noses.
I went in gym shorts and a hoodie, and could feel the staff's frowns lasering between my shoulder blades. 

THE EXPERIENCE
1) I've been to other Bravo's before, and generally have had pleasant experiences.  This one must be experiencing birthing cramps.   
2) I ordered the Grilled Salmon, which comes with asparagus.  The asparagus was definitely due for the trash can in its wrinkly old state, but ended up on my plate in its wrinkly old state.  A "fresher" restaurant would've been kind enough to say they're out of asparagus than serve it like that. 
3) The restaurant closes at 10pm on weekdays (which is later than most places in Cinci) - we arrived at 930pm, and they unsolicitedly told us to not worry about rushing. Plus 10 for Hufflepuff. 
4) Our waiter was attentive, though in his stepfather's defense, he didn't have much else to attend to.  With that said, he did address me every time as "buddy", which is a surefire way to fire an arrow of insincerity into our interaction. 

FINALE
Now I understand why chains get abused on Yelp - when the restaurant is doing $108 million in sales (which the Bravo's group actually did last quarter), it's easy to rip them apart and still feel comfortable that the owner will forever be financially comfortable. (And speaking of comfort, this review'd get bumped up 1 star if the meal came with a comforter).

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