Taquería Selene

5/5 stars

In the land of the taqueria, one stands tall on top of the mexican mountain. 
I have been lucky enough to visit Mexico City many times, so trust me, my tongue has done its due diligence.
Here's why:

1) I've traveled to 26 countries, and Selene's Gringa is one of the 10 tastiest things I've ever treated my tongue to. If you're not ordering at least 1 Gringa here, then my guess is we'll never be friends. 
2) The tacos are automatically offered with extra meat, which make them look like a dinosaur squeezed into a tube top. 
3) In fact, there was so much extra that I had some meat lying naked on my plate even after the tortilla was finished. One of Selene's waiters must have spotted this out of the corner of his sombrero because they came over with a new, warm tortilla to cover my shivering meat.  
3) For essentially being a glorified taco shack, the bathrooms are bearable. Not that I would walk from home to here just to poop, but I wouldn't walk from here to home just to poop either. (Let that digest in your head). 
4) Selene has reserved its place in modern-day society by offering free wifi.  There are fancier and fluffier restaurants in Mexico City that aren't even doing this. 
5) At one point, my waiter was busy with some other customers, so that same side-eyed chef spotted the gap in service and served me. I wouldn't be surprised if he had the food on the stove levitate while it waited so nobody got hurt and burnt. 
The chef even delivered my meal to my table so it was still hot on the plate.  In fact, he was only 1 taboo away from delivering the meal directly from my plate to my mouth. 
6) Not a joke - I literally carried home a taco from Selene in my suitcase on the flight back to the United States - yes, I declared it at customs, and yes, I declared it delicious. 

Really I'm being shy, but what I'm trying to say is.....Selene you beautiful meaty taqueria, will you marry me?

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The Mercer OTR

3/5 stars

It'd be easier to show mercy to The Mercer if only they were more merciful to my money stack. But due to a complaint filed by my piggy bank, I can't help but stack up the facts against them: 

1) Our meals were $50/person - which would be fine if it included drinks. And if the napkins weren't made from 100% recycled fiber. 
For that kind of cash, I want liquor on my lips and satin on my lap. 
2) The menu lists both Scallops and Ribs* as plural, but are served singular. This false advertising is a lot like offering Scallops and Ribs but serving Scallop and Rib. 
Which reminds me, I don't know what an analogy is. 
*side note - the Ribs were dipped in Placenta..sorry "polenta". Eww you're gross. 
3) The Chicken Saltimbocca is what I imagine Hagrid would order if he were invited to dine with the Queen. Once upon a time, this dish was just meat and potatoes. But this aristocratic kitchen toiled with a classic only to leave the dish dazed and confused. 
It basically tastes like Ron Swanson in a sequin dress. 
4) The glass block dividers and straw chair seating makes the place feel like a country club's indoor pool cafe. This would be fine if there were heated kiddie pools under the tables to soak my feet and seat my kids.
5) The restaurant is plainly named after its location. Tell me how that's better than David and Victoria Beckham naming their firstborn "Brooklyn" after where he was conceived. 
6) If you order a drink at the bar while waiting for your table, you have to pay for it separately instead of being able to add it to your table tab. As someone who freely tweets sweet nothings about Amazon's "Buy Now with One Click", this doesn't sit well in the belly of convenience. 
....WITH THAT SAID...
1) The Ricotta appetizer will rock the socks off your hands (assuming your socks are gloves). It's equal parts jam toast, equal parts mouth lust. 
2) My Branzino was very tasty, even though this fish sounds like it was named after a rapping magician. 
3) Our waiter was extremely good - we asked him if he knew where to get Streudel (dessert from Inglorious Basterds), and without batting an eye or eyeing a bat, he went to ask the head chef and came back with two options in town. 
He even asked if we needed anything AFTER we'd already carved our tip in stone. For that kind of service, I'd happily take a brief survey after the call.

And if you'd like to call about my survey on this restaurant, fine but only Facetime.

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Hang Over Easy

4/5 stars

Jay-Z famously said, "Excuse me, why are you over here? There are 2 many HOEs in here.  Really, honestly, I'm not trying to be rude ma'am, but why don't you go ahead and disappear? There are so many HOEs in here. Just so many." 
Nicki Minaj echoed Hov's negativity with her memorable chorus, "You's a stupid HOE. You's a, you's a stupid HOE. Yes, you in the blouse."

If only Jay and Nicki knew that HOE stood for Hang Over Easy, they'd be singing along joyously with this place's patrons. In fact the patrons are one of my favorite parts about this place - they have that undergraduate energy and fireball breath. With a sunday morning side of Never-Drinking-Again. 

With that said, I like everything about this place EXCEPT the food. But I'll get to that later, so hold your ponies.
Some positivos/negativos (positives/negatives, for those of you who don't speak spanish):

1) Next to the bathroom is a masterpiece montage storyboard starting with a girl's social ascent through the night, followed by her descent into despair, and concluding with her alcohol's ascent from her mouth. It's truly beautiful.
2) Amongst the 40 beer taps sits 1 Jameson tap. And as someone who routinely signs bar tabs with "Jameson" when they're too stupid to remember their own name, it's nice to know that there are others.
3) HOE has the best Sunday hours of all Cinci establishments not named TJ Maxx.

BUT
4) The service is inconsistent, especially if you sit outside. So if you do, remember to Bring Your Own Megaphone.
5) The food. Well, it's medium-good, but if medium-good sounds great to you, then wonderful, your life standards are sure to turbo-boost you into the grease-clogged heart of Mediocrity. No hard feelings.
Here's what I've tried here, ranked from tastiest to fartiest:
   1. Bacon Fat Fries - not so different from regular fries, but that dipping sauce will make your bottom lip dip to your hip in shock and awe. 
That dipping sauce could also very well be mayonnaise.
   2. Breakfast Bomber - aka the breakfast boner. 
   3. Fried Oyster Po Boy - very tasty, but not conducive to fixing headaches or Ostraconophobia (common-phobias.com/Ostra…) (inside joke between me and oysters).
   4. Dirty Sanchez - looks delicious on the outside, but filled with potatoes on the inside. The opposite of your ugly sweetheart friend.
   5. Greek Omelet - no better than your hotel omelet, but no worse than your butthole

Reservations Only via Zynga

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Kaze

4/5 stars

I always thought of Kaze as the most posh place in OTR, but missing the juju that its neighboring spaces oozed out of their shoes. 
That was all before I visited the outdoor patio and learned how to give a great O.J. (Ordering Job).
Here's what you need to know to squeeze the crazy tasty out of Kazy:

1) The Crunchy Scallop is a top-3 sushi roll in Cincinnati, anyone who tells you otherwise should immediately be removed from your iPhone Favorites.
2) I was just in Tokyo a few months ago trying to take off Japanties, and the Ramen Tonkotsu here holds its own. That, AND it's better than your college Ramen. AND it's $4 during happy hour. AND they let you pay in USD. 
3) AND the outdoor tables are conducive to sake bombs. 
"How can a table be CONDUCIVE to sake bombs?"
Good question, son, glad you asked. You see, half the fun in sake-bombing is slamming your side of the table, and having somebody's bomb on the other side drop so as to force them into an old Japanese chugging ritual (that the Japanese don't know about). This table does that AND keeps your thighs from getting sunburnt. AND keeps strangers from eyeing your thighs. AND keeps your eyes from eyeing her feet.
*Tip*
During happy hour (4pm-7pm every day, even on the sabbath), Sake Bombs are $4, while Sapporo drafts are $3 and sake jars are $4. By ordering the latter pair, you can essentially get 3 sake bombs for $7 via DIY. *Caution* too many DIYs may lead to a DUI, which is why you should be nicer to your DD. And your stepmom.
4) The edamame is edamediocre, but more importantly, it inspired a potential baby outfit caption: "I love my Edamame." I tried to draw it on myself, but it came out backwards.
5) The Moscow Mule is more like a Russian Kitten - that is, not so strong, but still tastes like communism
6) If you want the best customer service, get Chris the Waiter. He's the one who looks like a Game of Thrones warrior, but serves like a Fresh Prince of Belair butler. #junglefeverdealer
7) Music is not great, but they did play Notorious B.I.G.'s "Hypnotize" which is the greatest love song since Hot Cross Buns. So they pass.

Finally, I wasn't going to tell you this but I'm bad at keeping secrets - there are 2 parking spots on the side of the building that nobody knows about. Also, it was hot as hell that day so this could've been a mirage, so if I were you I'd play it safe and park in the Kroger parking lot.

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Elephant Walk Injera & Curry House

3/5 stars

Dear Elephant Walk,

I really did want to love you (and don't worry, there's still chance for a redemption song). 
I loved your name, I loved your sign. I even loved the musk you emitted into the street. 
But here's what I didn't love:

1) Beer cost - we each ordered a large Taj beer (when in Rome), and they were $10 each. We got exposed because there was no drink menu with pricing, so we rolled the dice and the dice set our cash on fire.
2) The Lamb Vindaloo should've been called "Vindaloo with a dash of lamb". I am of the opinion that you can never have enough lamb - in this case, they fell short of my preferred lamb quantity of infinity by......infinity. 
3) There was a similar volume problem in the saag paneer, except in this case the absentee was the paneer. 
Saag paneer, to me, is to an Indian restaurant what a burger is to an American restaurant. That is, the whole menu lives and dies by the saag paneer. In this case, the saag paneer didn't kill the meal, but it certainly left a bad taste in my butt.

As an Indian myself, I have the luxury of having homemade Indian food any time I make it home. So the fun of going to an Indian restaurant is to treat yo'self to "restaurant style" Indian food. That is, greasy oily fatty (delicious) Indian food. Elephant Walk walks more along the line of homemade Indian food - so for those who don't have the luxury of getting homemade Indian food at home, this is a good option. 
Also, this place does have the nicest interior of any Indian restaurant in Cincinnati. In fact, I just assumed that this was the owner's SECOND restaurant, because typically the first effort has a sloppier (read: budget) interior. But they balled out the first time around, so holler@yourinterior.com

OTHER SMALL TIDBITTIES
1) All night long, they played great bollywood songs, which made me want to shake my bollywood bum. In my bollywood booth. With a bollywood broad.
2) That Bhaingan Bhuna is the most bangin dish on the menu, girl hit that
3) Description of dishes would be helpful, so someone doesn't ask for a Rogan Josh only to get a plateful of Josh Groban.

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