Sleepy Bee Cafe - Oakley

4/5 stars

Wake up sleepy bee, don't you wanna read my review? 
Good, now that you've flapped out of your flower, let me slap back some feedback about your flapjacks and more.

AMBIENCE/BACKGROUND
1) The indoor area is fairly spacious (like a bigger square shape than Taste of Belgium but slightly lower ceilings).  They also have a nice outdoor area, though I didn't get to enjoy it on this day because the sun was turning buttcracks into kiddie pools.  
2) Alcohol-free menu coupled with healthy/ambitious looking crowd. So if your ambitions today stand no chance cuz of last nights' inhibition inhibitors, stop standing in line here and go back to bed. 
3) Buyer beware of price premium, since menu is loaded with "antibiotic-free" this and "cage-fed" that. 
4) The owner is a pediatrician who also owns a kids bookstore, which is why I was disappointed to see he made his menu without Green Eggs and Ham.

PROS
1) Got there around 930am on a Thursday, and while there was no wait, it was definitely crowded. Not sure why nobody was at work, unless it's become fashionable for stay-at-home moms to dress up like startup founders and grad students.  
2) Broakley with veggie sausage was quite tasty.  Bonus points to the waiter for trying to connect with us through vegetarianism - "Great choice, bro! My cousin's fiancee is vegetarian AND she likes to have fun!" 
Ya I know, we see her at the meetings.
Also, the sandwich was really thick, and with a sugar sore in my mouth making it hard to unhook my jaw, I only have that UDF ice cream diet to blame. 
3) Those Bee Cake pancakes were definitely the highlight of the hour.  Though loaded with skinny mom diet foods, I was pleasantly surprised about how much flavor was packed into the health stack. Got it with bananas, but next time will add chocolate chips or almonds for that crunch in both my mouth and my pants. 

NEUTRAL/CONS
1) Waiter accidentally brought out the wrong side, but somehow laid the replacement on the table without me even noticing. Only explanation could be that he also works as a birthday magician.
2) If your theme is Bees, and you're not Bunbury, it's only right to keep honey on the tables. Maybe they can borrow some of The Eagle's chicken honey sauce, the same one I use for my bubble baths. 
3) Frances Kroner, who's the head chef here, used to run a pop-up food "experience", which was truly amazing.  At one, she bent a hundred spoons, glued them against the wall, and placed a tasty pastry treat in each one.  At another, it was required that you wear headphones and listen to a particular song while trying each particular dish.  
So with that kind of imagination, I thought they could've been MORE imaginative here rather than just super-loading everything with trendy health foods. 
4) No alcohol for a brunch place is a big bummer in the butt.  I understand that they're health-conscious, but they also have sriracha on every table, which is 1 fire ball away from being Fireball.  
Can you compromise perhaps and offer a gluten-free shark bowl?
Please? With free-range sprinkles on top?

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Bravo! Cucina Italiana

3/5 stars

(*full disclosure* I may or may not have Olive Garden wallpaper in my powder room).

Whew! Now that that's off my chest like breast reduction, let's talk about the competition....Johnny Bravo's Cucina Italiana.
If you're not familiar with this chain, let me jog you through the rundown:

Bravo's has many locations across the country, and is kind of like a nicer Olive Garden, without the free salad/soup/breadsticks but with lesser lighting and higher noses.
I went in gym shorts and a hoodie, and could feel the staff's frowns lasering between my shoulder blades. 

THE EXPERIENCE
1) I've been to other Bravo's before, and generally have had pleasant experiences.  This one must be experiencing birthing cramps.   
2) I ordered the Grilled Salmon, which comes with asparagus.  The asparagus was definitely due for the trash can in its wrinkly old state, but ended up on my plate in its wrinkly old state.  A "fresher" restaurant would've been kind enough to say they're out of asparagus than serve it like that. 
3) The restaurant closes at 10pm on weekdays (which is later than most places in Cinci) - we arrived at 930pm, and they unsolicitedly told us to not worry about rushing. Plus 10 for Hufflepuff. 
4) Our waiter was attentive, though in his stepfather's defense, he didn't have much else to attend to.  With that said, he did address me every time as "buddy", which is a surefire way to fire an arrow of insincerity into our interaction. 

FINALE
Now I understand why chains get abused on Yelp - when the restaurant is doing $108 million in sales (which the Bravo's group actually did last quarter), it's easy to rip them apart and still feel comfortable that the owner will forever be financially comfortable. (And speaking of comfort, this review'd get bumped up 1 star if the meal came with a comforter).

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Taquería Selene

5/5 stars

In the land of the taqueria, one stands tall on top of the mexican mountain. 
I have been lucky enough to visit Mexico City many times, so trust me, my tongue has done its due diligence.
Here's why:

1) I've traveled to 26 countries, and Selene's Gringa is one of the 10 tastiest things I've ever treated my tongue to. If you're not ordering at least 1 Gringa here, then my guess is we'll never be friends. 
2) The tacos are automatically offered with extra meat, which make them look like a dinosaur squeezed into a tube top. 
3) In fact, there was so much extra that I had some meat lying naked on my plate even after the tortilla was finished. One of Selene's waiters must have spotted this out of the corner of his sombrero because they came over with a new, warm tortilla to cover my shivering meat.  
3) For essentially being a glorified taco shack, the bathrooms are bearable. Not that I would walk from home to here just to poop, but I wouldn't walk from here to home just to poop either. (Let that digest in your head). 
4) Selene has reserved its place in modern-day society by offering free wifi.  There are fancier and fluffier restaurants in Mexico City that aren't even doing this. 
5) At one point, my waiter was busy with some other customers, so that same side-eyed chef spotted the gap in service and served me. I wouldn't be surprised if he had the food on the stove levitate while it waited so nobody got hurt and burnt. 
The chef even delivered my meal to my table so it was still hot on the plate.  In fact, he was only 1 taboo away from delivering the meal directly from my plate to my mouth. 
6) Not a joke - I literally carried home a taco from Selene in my suitcase on the flight back to the United States - yes, I declared it at customs, and yes, I declared it delicious. 

Really I'm being shy, but what I'm trying to say is.....Selene you beautiful meaty taqueria, will you marry me?

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The Mercer OTR

3/5 stars

It'd be easier to show mercy to The Mercer if only they were more merciful to my money stack. But due to a complaint filed by my piggy bank, I can't help but stack up the facts against them: 

1) Our meals were $50/person - which would be fine if it included drinks. And if the napkins weren't made from 100% recycled fiber. 
For that kind of cash, I want liquor on my lips and satin on my lap. 
2) The menu lists both Scallops and Ribs* as plural, but are served singular. This false advertising is a lot like offering Scallops and Ribs but serving Scallop and Rib. 
Which reminds me, I don't know what an analogy is. 
*side note - the Ribs were dipped in Placenta..sorry "polenta". Eww you're gross. 
3) The Chicken Saltimbocca is what I imagine Hagrid would order if he were invited to dine with the Queen. Once upon a time, this dish was just meat and potatoes. But this aristocratic kitchen toiled with a classic only to leave the dish dazed and confused. 
It basically tastes like Ron Swanson in a sequin dress. 
4) The glass block dividers and straw chair seating makes the place feel like a country club's indoor pool cafe. This would be fine if there were heated kiddie pools under the tables to soak my feet and seat my kids.
5) The restaurant is plainly named after its location. Tell me how that's better than David and Victoria Beckham naming their firstborn "Brooklyn" after where he was conceived. 
6) If you order a drink at the bar while waiting for your table, you have to pay for it separately instead of being able to add it to your table tab. As someone who freely tweets sweet nothings about Amazon's "Buy Now with One Click", this doesn't sit well in the belly of convenience. 
....WITH THAT SAID...
1) The Ricotta appetizer will rock the socks off your hands (assuming your socks are gloves). It's equal parts jam toast, equal parts mouth lust. 
2) My Branzino was very tasty, even though this fish sounds like it was named after a rapping magician. 
3) Our waiter was extremely good - we asked him if he knew where to get Streudel (dessert from Inglorious Basterds), and without batting an eye or eyeing a bat, he went to ask the head chef and came back with two options in town. 
He even asked if we needed anything AFTER we'd already carved our tip in stone. For that kind of service, I'd happily take a brief survey after the call.

And if you'd like to call about my survey on this restaurant, fine but only Facetime.

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Hang Over Easy

4/5 stars

Jay-Z famously said, "Excuse me, why are you over here? There are 2 many HOEs in here.  Really, honestly, I'm not trying to be rude ma'am, but why don't you go ahead and disappear? There are so many HOEs in here. Just so many." 
Nicki Minaj echoed Hov's negativity with her memorable chorus, "You's a stupid HOE. You's a, you's a stupid HOE. Yes, you in the blouse."

If only Jay and Nicki knew that HOE stood for Hang Over Easy, they'd be singing along joyously with this place's patrons. In fact the patrons are one of my favorite parts about this place - they have that undergraduate energy and fireball breath. With a sunday morning side of Never-Drinking-Again. 

With that said, I like everything about this place EXCEPT the food. But I'll get to that later, so hold your ponies.
Some positivos/negativos (positives/negatives, for those of you who don't speak spanish):

1) Next to the bathroom is a masterpiece montage storyboard starting with a girl's social ascent through the night, followed by her descent into despair, and concluding with her alcohol's ascent from her mouth. It's truly beautiful.
2) Amongst the 40 beer taps sits 1 Jameson tap. And as someone who routinely signs bar tabs with "Jameson" when they're too stupid to remember their own name, it's nice to know that there are others.
3) HOE has the best Sunday hours of all Cinci establishments not named TJ Maxx.

BUT
4) The service is inconsistent, especially if you sit outside. So if you do, remember to Bring Your Own Megaphone.
5) The food. Well, it's medium-good, but if medium-good sounds great to you, then wonderful, your life standards are sure to turbo-boost you into the grease-clogged heart of Mediocrity. No hard feelings.
Here's what I've tried here, ranked from tastiest to fartiest:
   1. Bacon Fat Fries - not so different from regular fries, but that dipping sauce will make your bottom lip dip to your hip in shock and awe. 
That dipping sauce could also very well be mayonnaise.
   2. Breakfast Bomber - aka the breakfast boner. 
   3. Fried Oyster Po Boy - very tasty, but not conducive to fixing headaches or Ostraconophobia (common-phobias.com/Ostra…) (inside joke between me and oysters).
   4. Dirty Sanchez - looks delicious on the outside, but filled with potatoes on the inside. The opposite of your ugly sweetheart friend.
   5. Greek Omelet - no better than your hotel omelet, but no worse than your butthole

Reservations Only via Zynga

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